how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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