dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
