Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
