You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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