My sheets look like a crime scene.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
