The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Randomize
