I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
