I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
