life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
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On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
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Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.