My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
