Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday