i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
