he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
