I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
