I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
