I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
