If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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