i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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