it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
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You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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