you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
