then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
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Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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