I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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