Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
