I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
