i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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