I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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