You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
