i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Girls should come with a carfax report
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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