FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
