mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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