yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
