Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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