Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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