i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
