i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
