Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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