She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Randomize
