I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize