I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
