I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
