I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
