I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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