Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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