Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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