ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
