they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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