I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
