the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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