So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
