He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize