i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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