I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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