He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
