the condom got lost in my hair
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
