It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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