dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
