i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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